May Newsletter
- Katerina Nemcova
- May 20
- 3 min read

Dear Clients,
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the latest season of White Lotus, even all these weeks later. What really stayed with me was how honestly it captured relationship dynamics I see daily in my clinical work. Rick and Chelsea’s strained connection stood out as a perfect example of avoidant attachment. While Rick is technically “present” in the relationship, his emotional unavailability creates a painful kind of absence. So even though he is often there physically, it feels like Chelsea may as well be speaking to herself.
What is impactful about avoidance is that it doesn’t usually look cruel on the surface. Rick doesn’t yell or criticise, he simply disengages. He gives minimal responses, makes decisions without considering his partner, and seems to live in his own bubble. But what hurts most is what is missing. Emotional presence, shared investment, genuine curiosity. That absence can be just as wounding as overt conflict.
Avoidant attachment typically shows up as staying busy, disappearing into devices, avoiding difficult conversations, or being physically present but emotionally shut down. It can look liek a quiet kind of withdrawal, not just from the relationship but sometimes from life entirely. Under the surface, there is typically a deep discomfort with emotional vulnerability.
Many avoidant people do want connection. But they have learned not to expect it, or they fear being overwhelmed by it. Closeness can feel more threatening than comforting. And when a partner reaches for intimacy, that often triggers further retreat. This creates a painful cycle where one person is reaching while the other is pulling away.
If You Are With an Avoidant Partner
Being in a relationship with someone who withdraws emotionally can feel like constantly chasing a moving target. You might find yourself guessing what they are thinking or feeling, doing most of the emotional labour, and feeling alone in holding the relationship together.
You may be the one who initiates conversations, plans for the future, or carries the emotional wellbeing of the relationship. That imbalance can be exhausting and deeply lonely.
Therapy can help interrupt these patterns and offer space for both of you to feel heard and understood. You may need to be the one who initiates this step. But with the right support, tools like the Imago Dialogue can create more balanced and meaningful communication. It can also help you feel less alone in trying to build emotional connection.
Try to remember that your partner’s avoidance likely is not truly about you. It is a protective strategy they developed over time. This does not mean that your experience and the impact disappear, but it may help you take their withdrawal less personally and ease the intensity of the cycle.
If You Recognise Avoidant Patterns in Yourself
If you are reading this and thinking, this feels familiar, it’s important to know that it isn’t your fault. Avoidant patterns are usually formed in childhood when emotional needs weren’t met consistently or were met with pressure. Some children respond by clinging. Other children, like you, may have coped by shutting down. You may have learned not only to stop expressing your feelings, but eventually to stop noticing them altogether.
As an adult, this might look like needing lots of space, feeling overwhelmed by your partner’s emotional needs, or checking out during difficult conversations. You might see emotional intensity as irrational or excessive. But under that distance, there is often a wish for connection that simply does not feel safe or welcoming.
It is important to remember that change does not require becoming a different person. See if you can start to notice when you withdraw, when you tense up, or when you lose presence. Get curious about what is happening underneath. Is this fear? Is it shame? Over time, many people describe their inner world becoming more vibrant and alive. Colour can return to your life, but it takes courage to be open and vulnerable once again. Connection can become something you welcome and want to move toward, not away .
If you want to hear a real-life example of how avoidant dynamics play out in relationships, and can have significant impacts on your life trajectory, I highly recommend this episode with Esther Perel.
Warmly,
Katerina Nemcova
Clinical Psychologist
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