Dear Clients,
As we find ourselves in this busy month, I have been contemplating the various complexities of relationships. The added stress, events and increased family contact can disrupt our regular coping mechanisms and lead to some unpleasant dynamics. The balance between protecting our wellbeing and maintaining meaningful connections can become particularly challenging at this time of year.
In my practice lately, I have been sitting with various expressions of this struggle. Some clients swing between seeking approval at any cost and building walls so high they can't be scaled. My hope is that some reflection and intention about the relationships that you have, and wish to build, can create the opportunity for a more connected and peaceful relational dynamics.
When a person's sense of self, dignity or self-respect feels violated, it can override even the closest of attachment bonds and result in anger. This often stimulates defensiveness in the other and becomes the source of conflict. Understanding our core emotional needs and having an assertive, confident relationship with oneself can prevent this tension. It is almost always helpful to pause and identify which part of ourselves is hurt underneath the anger. This can help us communicate through our 'healthy adult' self rather than from raw emotion.
The film Marriage Story demonstrate what happens in our relationships when our nervous systems become dysregulated, versus when we're able to stay present and open to repair. This scene shows how quickly we can trigger each other, moving from discussion to conflict when both people feel threatened and unheard. This one, on the other hand, shows the possibility of connection and down regulation when we remain regulated and open to understanding even after significant conflict.
Consider taking some time to explore these questions. Set a timer for seven minutes and write freely about the following: Who are you in relationship with that makes you feel worst about yourself? In what way are you difficult to be in relationship with? This exercise can help identify patterns that either maintain distress or promote wellbeing in your relationships.
Remember, there is always a possibility for realigning boundaries and expectations in any relationship. To achieve the outcomes you want, try approaching conversations with both dignity and cooperation. Rather than focusing on who's right or wrong, consider what kind of relationship you would like to build with this person in the future. That may be more closed to protect yourself or more open and softer, which requires kindness and vulnerability.
My main advice is not to forget yourself in these next few weeks. Focus on small joys available to you and ensure that you are taking plenty of time for yourself prior to entering potentially intensive relational environments.
For those interested in additional support during this often stressful time, I am available throughout December for both regular and intensive sessions. For those with unused Medicare rebates, this would be an ideal time to use them before the year ends.
Warmly,
Katerina Nemcova
Clinical Psychologist
P.S. Here is an interesting note on holidays from NYT
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